tryingtobehappy

So I can’t tell you all why I left, I started getting more active and eating healthy, the pounds were coming off and my confidence was soaring. I forgot to log in and encourage you all like you’ve encouaged me. I’m sorry! And I suck for that, I own it.

 Since leaving I signed up for Tae Kwon Do with a friend. I’ve been doing it for over a year and love it! It’s really helped me do more than lose weight. I’ve become more centered, more confident, and like I control my own life, body, mind, & soul.

I started doing yoga and attempting pilates. I like doing the yoga show on FitTV. For awhile there I was religious about doing different workout shows on there, they’re alot of fun! And free, and can be done at home without anyone seeing my junk giggle around. Bellydance is a fave….tho always done by myself in my house lol. I almost threw my neck out doing a AfroLatino-like dance workout show, but it was still fun.

I broke my foot in class just before X-mas last year and still I continued to train! I trained in a walking cast! I was not about to sit around for 3 months and let my butt blossom out again!

So I was getting really good about moderation, portion control, and indulging in naughty foods when it was appropriate. I wasn’t letting ANYTHING get in the way of my exercise and junk-fooding, fast-fooding was no longer in my vocabulary. The scale numbers did nothing but go DOWN, even if it was slow at times, those numbers went down. I became EXCITED to get on the scale. I know, it’s the most bizarre concept in the world. But I was feelin it, I was in the zone.  

I dated, men came and went, and still I wouldn’t let any of them come before my weekly exercise requirements I established for myself. You want to go out on Tuesday night? Sorry I have TKD class, NO I will not skip it. Things were going well.

Then I got paired up with a guy on eHarmony. We’ve been dating going on 4 months and I am stupid happy. Ridiculously happy. I’ve been waiting for him for a long time.

Suddenly…….why don’t I skip TKD class so we can go to that concert? Why don’t we feed each other cheesecake in bed? Let’s try this new restaurant? It’s been a whirlwhind of eating, eating, eating! I’ve gained 7 lbs since meeting him! It’s not even been 4 months yet!

I had gotten down to 151 lbs and was beyond ecstatic about reaching the 140’s….I can’t remember being that small. Then I stepped on the scale….I had forgotten to do so for months considering how blissful I’ve been. I had gained 7-8 lbs!!!! Ack! No!

So I had a discussion with him about it - and he suggests we start eating healthier = O He wants to SUPPORT me and not do anything to make me feel bad about myself. He’s a keeper.

So, I’m back on the diet/active weight lose mindset. I ordered a couple books from Amazon, Skinny Bitch and Skinny Bitch Kitch…..they’re geared for going vegan, and tho I don’t necessarily plan to do that - I would like the other advice on losing weight in a healthy way.

It doesn’t help that right as I get back into full-throttle motivation mode that I twisted my ankle last night. So I’m sitting here writing this when I would normally be getting ready for TKD class tonight.

The ankle will get better and I’ll get back on the horse! Until then I will watch my eating and keep those calories in check.

so it’s a new year, and even though i don’t “do” new years resolutions….i will commit to getting healthier and getting the body i want, nay deserve to have!  yes, i’m going to eat taco bell today and no i’m not going to feel bad about it.  because i plan on getting back into the gym tonight and when i go grocery shopping i will fill my cart with healthy stuff….so she says, we shall see.

i’m still in an emotional funk, but things are starting to turn around slowly.  i know this is all psychological and when i deconstruct what happened, i can be rational and try to move on.  the emotional irrational part that peeks it’s head out every now and then?  well, i’m workin on it.

an additional motivator to lose this damn weight…i discovered a wide shoe warehouse in my area.  now, my feet are not wide, but my calfs are.  i have never in my life been able to wear thigh high boots, something i perceive would make me feel hella sexy and powerful.  so i set off to this wide shoe warehouse figureing i could find some wide boots and start feeling all empowered.  oh my the only ones that fit were 2X wide!  shocker!  no no we can’t have that, that is just miserable.  and because of my pride i refused to buy anything that was 2X wide, i just couldn’t do it.  so new goal is to be able to zip up a regular person sized pair of thigh high boots!

 here’s to boots in 2008!

i’m back.  thank you all for your kind words and support while i was gone.  the bf and i broke up and it’s been a long sad time since then.  i am still very depressed, but now i’m taking steps to try to get out of my depression.  i’ve been making myself work out, i started by forcing myself to move even just a little then progressed from there. 

it wasn’t so much the fact that we broke up (i had been thinking about it for some time actually, i’m the one who initiated the break in the 1st place), but the way he behaved during the break up talk.  he said some things that he knew were going to rock my very core.  things that would plummet my self-esteem and make me question my self-worth.  he said these things with these hurtful purposes….and so for that i am glad he is the hell out of my life.

but those words…i tried the sticks and stones approach…but the inner fattie just won’t listen.  it doesn’t take much to make the inner fattie feel bad.  so, i am working on overcoming these things.  and making myself work out…..i know that one day i will enjoy it again, right now it’s very forced and i am still as numb as before i started. 

i immediately lost about 10lbs right after the break….i just didn’t eat.  i was starting to scare myself.  i was forcing myself to eat…forcing.  that was new.  then i got my appetite back (was slightly disappointed, lol) and gained back 5-8, then through exercise got to where i am now. 

and since i’m going to have to start dating again one day…..i better get my buns back!

i haven’t been on here for awhile, and a lot of personal stuff has happened.  i’ve lost my motivation to focus on myself for now, i’ve also lost the desire for food too, haha.  don’t know when i’ll be back

ok, so i knew this would be a bad weekend, eating-wise.  i went to the state fair, and yes i knew waaaay in advance that i would be eating a fried snickers.  i’d heard of such a thing, and i had to find out for myself!  they even fried coca-cola!  yes, they did! 

 even though i was less than healthy, i did try to balance it with physical activity of some sort.  like that beer i had on friday…i had been bowling for 2 hours prior.  the fried snickers and funnel cake (split in half w/bf) was balance with walking 40 minutes uphill TO the fair, walking around the fair for several hours, then walking 40 minutes back home from the fair (i live really close).  even after all that walking i ate a salad for dinner! 

will be at the gym this week for sure!  but even still i don’t expect to lose any this week, will just be happy to maintain. 

well buddies, i broke down and bought a scale.  yes, i’ve been avoiding it.  in fact, up until the 10th of this month i had no idea i weighed 185!  i just sort of guessed around 160, see how having actual numbers sucks?  haha, well since the 10th i’ve lost 3lbs!!!!!!  woo!!

i’m very happy about it, but have to admit i’m surprised.  i’ve cheated a lot….i have memories of sweets from earlier this week that we’ll just call “the incident”.

i don’t know about this scale though.  it’s digital and ok, maybe i’ve weighed myself a tad too much since last night.  my 1st weigh in (last night) was 183.  then this morning upon waking i was 181.  i had coffee…that’s it, and i weighed 182.  umm….huh?  is my scale screwy or does weight really fluctuate that much? 

so i decided to take the middle number….182 as my official weigh in number.  it’s nice to have lost something since i’ve allowed myself to be hungry and sweated my buns off exercising.   motivation, there you are!  i’m going to do my best to weigh myself only once a week. 

 *my boyfriend is coming over tonight.  i am doing dinner and he will NOT be contributing any food!  not if i can help it! 

i can’t wait until my massage today, for once i feel i’ve earned it.  that’s one awesome perk of my job….free weekly massage in the office, ahhh…

since last time i’ve tried, tried, to stick with the exercising.  didn’t go to the gym last week except for wed & fri.  though on friday i did manage to go 30 full minutes on the elliptical!  yay!  that’s the longest so far. 

we’ve had fantastic weather here all of last weekend so i collared up the dog and went on a walk around shelley lake….about 2.5 miles.  for some reason i was REALLY sore the next day.  which is strange because i do about the same amount of milage on the elliptical with no issues.  maybe it’s because the terrain isn’t consistant? 

monday was a diet/exercise killer.  remember how i said i eat better and am more active when the boyfriend is not around?  well, he got back into town yesterday and to celebrate, brought me……cheesecake and ben & jerry’s ice cream.  i couldn’t say no…i ate, oh did i eat that sweet stuff

i am slightly ticked though.  he KNOWS i’m trying to lose weight….yet he brings me these things.  it’s almost like he’s testing me….waving temptation in front of me with a devilish grin.  ok, it’s not that extreme, but still! 

so i fell off the wagon big time on monday.  then today my coworker brings in halloween cupcakes and puts them right next to my desk!  i almost fainted.  i managed to stay in proximity to those orange frosted cakes without giving in until after lunch.  then i scarffed 3 of them.  i just couldn’t say no. 

i’m so disappointed in myself.  i hate that i have such a hard time resisting naughty foods!  i hate that they have such power over me! 

after that amount of hellacious snacking i had to hit the gym after work.  i did and felt a bit better.  coming out of the gym i ran into one of the apartment managers who chipperly invited me to the chili cookoff the complex was holding in oh…..20 minutes.  something caught my peripheral vision and i looked over to see….i am not kidding….2, yes 2 parked firetrucks with hot firemen coming to the chili cookoff….i am not kidding….did i already mention that? 

you know what i did folks?  she asked me to come, and i said NO!!!!!  and ran home!  haha! 

i haven’t been on here since last week, and a few things have happened….i had a birthday, and i weighed myself for the 1st time in forever.  ok, i was not anywhere close to the 160 i thought i was….i actually weight 185!  i almost had a meltdown in the store!  but…that is the reality.  so now that the celebrations and what not are over, it’s time to get back to being serious about dropping these pounds. 

 on a brighter note, i did well on thursday and friday.  i ate well and went to the gym one day and did a DVD with the exercise ball on friday.  and as you all already know, it’s hard to workout on the cusp or during the weekend! 

 starting today through sunday bf is taking a little trip back home for a visit.  while i’ll miss him like crazy, it’s easier to eat right and exercise when he’s not around. 

*does anyone know how to change the weight ticker?  i need to change it since my starting weight is different from what i thought it was

my internet crashed in the middle of the very awesome blog entry i was writing.  it was a good one too lots of drama…i’ll try to recreate…

so, most of the reason i’m having such a rough time this past year weight wise is not much in my life is going so good.  it’s not that i don’t have the time or means to exercise & eat right, i’m just blah.  the main categories; love, home, family, friends, hobbies/fun, work…none of those except maybe my best friend are turmoil free.  and even she just had a baby, so she’s pretty much doing that now.  in a way i have lost my greatest confidante, at least for awhile.  but i’ve gained a nephew so it’s totally worth it

this past week my major issue and reason for wanting to eat ice cream and other naughty fatty things is my boyfriend.  he implied that he did not trust me to take my birth control.  and basically freaked out.  it affected our sex life this past weekend….and i really don’t like it when things impact my sex life.

 so here i am, on the cusp of turning 27 years old….i seek long love, marriage, a home, family, and yes a bootilicious bod…and i’m with a guy who doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage, thinks good credit and mortgages are for suckers, and has a fight or flight issue whenever children are mentioned or nearby.  oh and did i mention that i’m 30 lbs heavier than him?  he just can’t gain weight..seriously.  and yes i have given him hell about it don’t worry. 

yet, good people, i love him.  deeply.  we are perfect together in every other way.  we even share a birthday, though he’s 2 years younger. 

in short, i’m having a late 20’s crisis.

food & exercise today:

ate around 1300 calories today….might make that 1400 i really want a snack badly right now

5 min streching

28 min elliptical machine

10 min strength training (2 arm exercises 3 reps at 15 each)

1 hour walking dog (total for the day, i need to walk him more, poor guy)

*current motivation for going to the gym…a very hot guy that i can look at while getting my cardio on.  i’ve seen him 2 days in a row now, i can look no? 

i’m not loving the food and exercise log…it’s too time consuming and confusing.  so i’ll write it in here!  i ate about 1200 calories today (give or take, i really need to chart my food)

for exercise:

10 minutes streching

25 minutes on the elliptical macine

10 minutes on the weight machines (2 arm exercises 3 reps each at 15 count)

morning: 10 minutes, walked the dog (i was running late!)

after work: 25 minutes, walked the dog

evening: 30 minutes, walked the dog